Elul is a time for cheshbon hanefesh, an accounting of the soul. As Rosh Hashanah approaches, we are encouraged to slow down and reflect on the past year. We think about what went well, where we may have fallen short, and how we would like to grow in the coming year.
Most of us think of this as an individual process. We ask ourselves: What kind of person am I becoming? What changes do I want to make? What should I work on this year?
But Elul can also be a meaningful time to reflect as a family.
Every home has its own vibe, certain habits, priorities, and ways of communicating. When we dream about raising a family we often have strong ideas about the kind of home we want to create, but the demands and realities of everyday family life can easily distract us. Between carpools, homework, work responsibilities, and bedtime, we often find ourselves reacting to whatever is happening instead of stepping back to think about the bigger picture.
Elul gives us that opportunity. It is a natural time to ask: What do we want our family to stand for?
Elul Is About Relationships
The Hebrew letters of the word Elul—אלול—are commonly understood as an acronym for Ani L’Dodi V’Dodi Li, “I am my Beloved’s, and my Beloved is mine.” Elul is not only a time for regret and self-correction. It is also a time to strengthen our relationship with God and with the people who matter most to us.
The Rambam teaches that teshuvah requires us to identify where we have gone wrong and make a plan to change. We cannot improve something until we are willing to look at it honestly.
The same is true of family life. Before we can teach our children our values, we need to identify what those values are. We may say that we value kindness, respect, honesty, responsibility, faith, or gratitude, but it is helpful to think about what those words mean in the day-to-day life of our home.
A family mission statement can help us do that. It does not need to be formal, complicated, or perfect. It is simply a short statement that describes the values we want to guide our family.
Four Steps to Creating a Family Mission Statement
1. Identify what matters to you
Begin with a list of possible family values. These may include:
- Kindness
- Honesty
- Respect
- Gratitude
- Responsibility
- Generosity
- Faith
- Perseverance
- Forgiveness
- Learning
- Patience
- Family connection
- Hospitality
- Humility
- Courage
- A sense of humor
You can also add values that are especially important in your home, such as Torah learning, Shabbat, caring for the Jewish community, or helping others.
Go through the list and mark each value according to how important it is to you. If you are doing this with your spouse, complete the list separately and then compare your answers. You may agree on most things, but you may also be surprised by some of your differences. That conversation alone can be valuable.
2. Narrow down your choices
Most parents want to raise children who are honest, responsible, kind, hardworking, grateful, confident, and compassionate. Of course, we would like all these qualities and more. However, a mission statement cannot include everything.
Choose eight values that feel especially important. Then narrow the list to five and, finally, to three.
This does not mean that the other values no longer matter. It simply helps you identify the qualities you most want to focus on during this particular stage of family life.
Elul is not about becoming perfect overnight. It is about choosing a few realistic areas in which we are ready to grow. Our family goals can follow the same approach.
3. Define what each value looks like
This is an important step because words such as “respect” and “kindness” can mean different things to different people.
If your family chooses respect, ask what respect looks and sounds like in your home. Does it mean speaking without insulting one another? Knocking before entering a closed bedroom? Listening when someone else is talking? Taking another person’s feelings seriously, even when you disagree?
If you choose responsibility, perhaps it means admitting when you have made a mistake, helping with household jobs, or remembering to bring your belongings to school.
If gratitude is one of your values, it might mean thanking family members for everyday acts of kindness, appreciating what you have, or regularly acknowledging the blessings Hashem has given you.
Try to make each value concrete enough that you and your children can recognize it in action.
4. Write your mission statement
Once you have chosen and defined your values, turn them into two or three sentences.
For example:
“We are a family that speaks honestly and treats one another with respect. We try to notice the good in our lives and help when someone needs us. When we make mistakes, we take responsibility, repair what we can, and try again.”
Your mission statement does not need to sound impressive. In fact, simple language is usually more effective. It should sound like your family and reflect values you can realistically work toward.
Include Your Children in the Conversation
Depending on their ages, children can be part of this process. Ask them:
- What do you think is important in our family?
- What do we do well as a family?
- What would you like us to do more often?
- How do you want people to feel when they are in our home?
- What do you hope you will remember about growing up in our family?
Their answers may surprise you. They may notice strengths that you have overlooked, or point out areas that need attention. Even young children can contribute ideas and choose words that are meaningful to them.
When children participate in creating a mission statement, it becomes something the family is working on together rather than another set of rules handed down by the parents.
Put Your Values Into Practice
A family mission statement is not meant to sit in a drawer. Put it somewhere you will see it, such as on the refrigerator, inside a kitchen cabinet, or in the family calendar.
Then look for simple opportunities to refer to it.
If one child makes room for a sibling, you might say, “That was kind. That is the kind of family we want to be.”
If someone admits to a mistake, you can acknowledge, “It was not easy to tell the truth, but honesty is important in our family.”
When family members argue, the mission statement can help everyone reset: “We said we want our home to be respectful. What would respect look like right now?”
This is not about using the mission statement to lecture or shame children. Parents will also make mistakes and fall short of the values they chose. In fact, some of the most powerful moments occur when a parent says, “I did not speak respectfully just now. That is something I want to work on.”
A Guide, Not a Guarantee
Creating a mission statement will not suddenly eliminate sibling arguments, rushed mornings, or homework struggles. It will not ensure that everyone always behaves according to the family’s values.
What it can do is give your family a shared direction. It provides language for talking about the home you are trying to create and reminds everyone that growth is an ongoing process.
You may want to revisit your statement every few months or return to it next Elul. As your children grow and your family changes, some values may become more important while others require less attention.
Cheshbon hanefesh means taking an honest look at who we are and thinking about who we want to become. This Elul, consider making that reflection a family project. Sit down together, talk about what matters to you, and create a short mission statement for your home.
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