During the Three Weeks and the Nine Days, we spend time thinking about ahavat chinam—loving others without judgment. We often think about extending that love to friends, neighbors, and people in our community. But perhaps the hardest place to practice ahavat chinam is at home—with our spouses, our children, and even with Jews whose lives look different from our own.
Many years ago, my husband and I were invited to learn Torah with another Jewish couple. We were excited and spent time preparing the source sheets our rabbi had given us. If I’m being honest, I also came with assumptions. We had both grown up in Orthodox homes and attended Jewish day schools, and I imagined we would be sharing our Jewish knowledge with a couple who was earlier in their Jewish journey.
It didn’t take long to realize I had completely misjudged the situation.
Looking back, I realize I wasn’t trying to be judgmental. I had simply filled in the blanks before I knew their story. It’s something we all do. We see where someone davens, how they dress, the school they send their children to, or where they are in their Jewish journey, and before we’ve really gotten to know them, we’ve already decided who they are. We don’t always mean to judge—we just forget that every person has a story we haven’t heard yet.
As we began talking, they shared some of the decisions they had made together over the years. They had stopped serving dairy with meat meals. They protected Saturday mornings as family time. They had decided against sending their son to a traveling soccer league because it meant giving up that time together. Every Friday morning, despite a busy work schedule, she baked challah before heading to work.
What stood out even more than the decisions themselves was how they made them. When one of them was ready to take on something new in their Jewish observance and the other wasn’t, they waited. When one spouse no longer felt comfortable at their synagogue, they searched together for a place where they both felt at home. There was no pressure, no keeping score, and no one trying to pull the other along before they were ready. Every decision reflected mutual respect and genuine consideration for the other person’s feelings.
As I listened, I realized that I wasn’t the one doing the teaching.
I found myself asking different questions. When was the last time I had stretched myself in my own Judaism instead of simply doing what had always been familiar? How carefully did I consider my husband’s perspective before making important family decisions? Was I as patient with the people closest to me as I expected them to be with me?
That evening reminded me how easy it is to make assumptions about people. I thought I knew their story before I had even heard it. Instead, they taught me an important lesson—not only about Jewish growth, but about marriage, respect, and seeing the best in another person.
I walked away with two lessons that have stayed with me ever since. First, every person has something to teach us if we’re willing to listen. Second, ahavat chinam doesn’t begin with strangers. It begins with the people we live with every day. It shows up when we listen before we judge, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and make room for someone else’s perspective.
Now, whenever I’m invited to learn Torah with someone, I still prepare to teach. But I’ve learned to come expecting to learn something too.
During the Nine Days, as we reflect on sinat chinam and the loss of the Beit Hamikdash, perhaps one of the most meaningful ways to practice ahavat chinam is to become genuinely curious about another person’s story. We don’t have to agree with every choice someone makes. But before we judge, we can pause long enough to ask ourselves, What experiences brought this person here? When we replace assumptions with curiosity, we create a little more understanding, a little more compassion, and, hopefully, a little more ahavat chinam.
Adina Soclof, MA, CCC-SLP, IBCLC – is a Parent Educator, Professional Development Instructor and Speech Pathologist working with children in a school setting. She received her BA. in History from Queens College and her MS. in Communication Sciences from Hunter College.
Adina is the founder of ParentingSimply.com. She delivers parenting classes as well as professional development workshops for Speech Pathologists, Teachers and other health professionals. Her classes focus on the art of effective communication at home and in school. She offers strategies that support character development, confidence, and resilience in children of all ages and abilities. Her live and online parenting classes give moms and dads the language and strategies to create a nurturing and structured home environment.
You can reach her at asoclof@parentingsimply.com or check out her website at www.parentingsimply.com
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